Tom Jones Crusaders
by Anti-Mattering
Summary: The gang has anything but a nice meal at a diner in Egypt.


The road to Cairo seemed never-ending, but with Avdol having returned to the group right before they made their arrival in Egypt, things finally seemed to be looking up for the gang. They couldn't live off high spirits alone, though; they needed some damn food after all this traveling.

This basic human need is what led them to a tiny diner on the border between civilization and the unforgiving desert. "Jotaro, go inside and grab us a seat," Joseph said from inside their buggy. "I've got a call to make real quick."

"I'll come, too," Kakyoin said. "You never know if there might be a Stand user inside, so it's best to travel in pairs even for something this small."

"In that case, count me in," Polnareff agreed. "Besides, I've got to take a piss."

"Sounds more like you're jinxing us," Jotaro told him. "Weird shit always happens when you're in the bathroom." Nonetheless, the three entered the diner as Joseph and Avdol stayed behind. As he'd said, Polnareff immediately went to the toilets as Jotaro and Kakyoin found a booth near the window close to the back. With people sitting on both sides of the table, they'd be able to see outside no matter which way an enemy might approach from the road while also keeping an eye on anyone inside the restaurant.

While Jotaro was content to simply take a seat, Kakyoin patted his shoulder, pointing forward. An old jukebox was located right next to the booth they'd chosen. Not exactly a curious sight, but the thought of having consistent music rather than the scratchy, ever-changing signals they'd been putting up with for the last few days piqued their interest.

"I was wondering what they might have," he explained, leaning into the glass to inspect the song catalog. Almost immediately, the two zeroed in on a single song – Tom Jones' What's New Pussycat? There was no real reason for what they were about to do, though a single glance between the two indicated they'd had the exact same thought.

They both searched their pockets for loose change, coming up with around $7 between each other. With three songs for a single dollar, this would be more than sufficient. Without a single word, they deposited their money, picked out the music, then took a seat just as Polnareff emerged from the bathroom.

"The toilets are super clean here! What the hell is that music?"

"I'm not sure," Kakyoin lied. "Someone must have used the jukebox."

Taking a few moments to listen, Polnareff fell into the seat across from his companions. "I kind of like it. It's catchy." As he said this, Joseph and Avdol entered, spotting the group and joining them, all three completely unaware of the chaos that was about to ensue.

"Hey, I remember this song!" Joseph said with a laugh. "It's from a movie!"

"What's it about?" Avdol asked.

"Some guy's about to get married, but he has to try not to cheat on his fiancee like he's done in the past."

"Sounds like a real asshole," Jotaro said bluntly, trying and failing to read the menu as it was entirely in Arabic.

"Hey, don't be so quick to judge!" Joseph shot back, unusually defensive about this. "He was trying his best. Sometimes you just make a mistake. And he's trying everything he can not to do it ever again, even when there's a bunch of pretty girls falling all over him."

"Maybe just keep it in your pants," he replied.

Rolling his eyes, Joseph grumbled, "You'll understand one day."

"Jotaro would have to get married first to cheat on someone," Polnareff laughed. "Can you imagine? 'Good grief, be my wife already.'"

"I'm sure he could find someone," Kakyoin joked, patting Jotaro on the shoulder. "If I was a woman, I'd be lucky to marry a guy as strong and dependable as him, though I have to admit I'm kind of a terrible cook."

"Quit teasing him already," Avdol said with a chuckle, taking it upon himself to order for his illiterate friends.

"It's true!" he said. "I'm sure you'll find someone one day, Jotaro. You seem fairly popular with the girls at school, if nothing else."

"Like I even care about any of that crap," he said, pulling the brim of his hat over his eyes.

"Somebody's got to carry on the Joestar bloodline, you know," Joseph chided him.

"Then freaking adopt another kid if you're so concerned."

"You know what? I just might. Your grandma and I never got to take care of you as a baby, so it might be a nice change of pace for a couple old codgers like us." Their conversation slowly petered out after that as they waited for their food to arrive, the specter of Tom Jones hanging overhead like an enemy Stand.

The song continued to play on and on, other diners beginning to notice after what felt like a good ten minutes worth of pussycats with barely a pause. It was impossible to distinguish between one play of the song to the next; for all they knew, maybe it was just this damn long to begin with.

An entirely indifferent waitress delivered their food, though only Jotaro, Kakyoin, and Polnareff could find the will to eat, the latter's hunger just barely outweighing the nausea he felt setting in from the song. "This is very delicious," Kakyoin said, continuing to act like there was nothing amiss. Jotaro, as usual, didn't seem phased by the continuous loop as he silently ate his eggs and beef.

"Yeah...real good..." Joseph said, poking something brown with a fork.

"This song is...quite long," Avdol finally spoke, acknowledging what they'd all been thinking.

Polnareff cleared his throat, nodding as he tried to continue eating despite his mental fortitude quickly draining. "Getting kind of tired of it."

"It's already played three times," Joseph said, entirely guessing at how long this had been going on. "Who even does something like this?"

"Seems fine to me," Jotaro said, Kakyoin having to cough to keep himself from breaking at that comment.

Exasperated, Joseph asked, "You're hearing this, right? Do you kids just have some kind of tolerance for this kind of thing?"

"It's simply a good song," Kakyoin said. "I don't see any problem."

"Let's just...finish our meal," Avdol said, hoping to leave as quickly as they could. He wasn't the only one, several customers paying their bills and leaving out the door with half their food still on the plate. A blond man in particular that was seated not far from the group looked to be barely hanging in there, his hands trembling as he bored holes into his coffee cup with his eyes (figuratively speaking, as this man seemingly did not have the ability to shoot lasers from his eyes unlike some foes they may encounter).

As Tom Jones' voice faded out, the diner held its collective breath hoping for that to be the end of things. Unfortunately, this was not the case, the opening, "What's new, pussycat?" blasting from the jukebox yet again.

"God damn it!" the man from before shouted, smashing his hands against his table and knocking silverware and dishes to the floor.

"Let's just get out of here," Polnareff said, rubbing the sides of his head.

"I'm still hungry," Jotaro said, wanting to drag this out for as long as he could. "Avdol, do they serve pie here? I feel like something sweet."

"Pie sounds good," Kakyoin agreed to everyone's dismay.

"They do," he answered reluctantly.

"Just get us some pie, I guess," Joseph said, resigned to their fate of staying in this awful place for at least a few more minutes. They ordered after the waitress from before finished cleaning up the mess the other customer had made, that man beginning to shake with rage like he was going through alcohol withdraw.

The song faded out once more, the full extent of their plan finally going into action. Expecting another serving of What's New Pussycat?, the diners were relieved to hear the heavenly sound of It's Not Unusual in its place. Polnareff nearly passed out on the table, feeling like a soldier who'd just spent years at war finally being shipped back home. One person even began to weep.

This, however, was all a ruse, a fact that became all too clear once the song ended. With everyone finally able to relax now that the torture was over, they'd let their guard down. All eyes shot towards the jukebox the moment the lyrics, "What's new, pussycat?" came blaring out of the speakers.

Avdol flipped the table, summoning Magician's Red to go on the offensive against the very concept of music itself. Joseph let out his trademark, "Oh my God!" as he gripped the sides of his hat, Polnareff using Silver Chariot in a blind rage to smash the window to his left.

The others in the diner weren't faring much better, throwing plates and storming for the exit. The man from before appeared to have completely given up on life, screaming and shaking his head side to side while crying. Before anyone could attack the source of their turmoil, he sprinted to the booth the group occupied.

"I surrender!" he shouted. "Please, end this!"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Joseph yelled back.

"You found me out, I know! I was sent here by Lord DIO to kill you, but I just can't take it anymore! Just stop this song!"

Looking back and forth between each other, Joseph stepped aside to allow Jotaro forward. "If you insist," he said, Star Platinum needing only a single punch to send him smashing into the jukebox, taking care of two problems at once.

"Did we really defeat the enemy like this?" Avdol asked, Joseph still inside paying for the damages to the diner.

"Did you guys know he was there the whole time?" Polnareff added, shaking down both Kakyoin and Jotaro for answers.

"Of course we did," Jotaro lied.

"Wasn't it obvious to you?" Kakyoin said. Neither of them had any idea the man was there, but they'd never let the others know that. They just wanted an entertaining meal, something they most certainly got.

* * *

You may not have noticed, but this is actually based on something called the Salt and Pepper Diner story. Specifically, it's a version of the audio from this stand up routine played over drawings of various characters from this wacky franchise (watch?v=YXNIqbNGizI).

This was probably a pointless endeavor and nowhere near as funny as it was in my head, but here we are. Needed something else to help fill out that new series tag after The Blob from before, which still somehow manages to be even worse.

Thanks for reading, but not really. No one should read this. Don't share with anyone, even yourself. Always remember to just ignore me whenever I do this in the future.


End file.
